What Lies Within

It happened in New Haven, Connecticut in the Fall of 1972. Twenty years after my mother’s illness and withdrawl.

I had just made my first 8×10 prints from my first contact sheet, from my first photography class.

I remember walking up the stairs to my cockroach infested, but cute apartment in New Haven and looking at these photographs of people in New Haven, and thinking to myself, I like these pictures, but who…really took them? These pictures could not have been taken by me. They are too strong too direct and definitely too clear. Who is this person who could take such pictures? It is not the fearful, sickly, confused person I knew myself to be. These pictures turned out to be the beginning of my way out. They were the doorway to my interior.

It is quite perplexing but photography saved my life from total failure.

I know it didnt look this from the outside. I had gone to good schools, had family wealth, was married, and all things probably looked fine from the outside. Appearance is deceptive.

On the inside a machiavellian dwarf had resided in me. It was determined to battle with me every step of the way. It could rise on any occasion and confront me with fear, loathing and sickness. It kept me subdued and fragile while a stronger voice in me was kept totally under control.

So in the Fall of 1972, I began the journey of understanding of who I really am , what I stand for, and to begin the process of slowly ridding myself of the sins of the dwarf.

Painfully and very slowly the person I saw in those first pictures has emerged. Often slipping back but re-emerging into a stronger, more direct person.

Photography was always safe from my inner dwarf. It strongly took my hand and soul and has continually shown me the way to reunite me with myself.

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