I’m involved in a titanic struggle with myself. I have been for over 50 years. There have been times like Par Lagervist’s Dwarf, it is laying dormant or asleep, only occasionally making its Machiavellian self prominent and overbearing.
But for the last year in particular, it has surfaced with a vengeance, and has made my life at times unbearable. The problem, though, is not with the enemy outside. The problem is with me, thou, myself. There is me, and then there is me, fighting out a battle, that if it could be configured on a visual plane, would equal the battle of Gettysburg.
I can make those closest to me, my family and friends miserable, but as the book connotes, this is The End! Some side is going to finally triumph. Either its off to the New England shore, resting in peace, keeping all things under control, or for the life of me, which it may very well be, its off to taking pictures, sticking my head where it shouldn’t be, looking deeply into the very soul of life, causing angst, disrupting the quietude, fighting the “never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way.”
It all started with my father (and of course my mother), but you already know this. I have learned a lot, and knowledge is power, but I still can’t let me be me. I have hidden myself from myself, and as I approach The End, I am truly finding that if I can somehow or somewhere find the strength, it will just be the beginning.
as a photographer you know how to find beauty in the physical world and translate that into a beautiful photograph. maybe it is that same skill that will allow you to filter out the chaos and find the beauty in your life. maybe not a beauty that is as controlled and organized as your photos, but the cracked and flawed beauty that this world, this life, gives to us. “all structures are unstable” be at peace with whatever happens… truly. accept it. let it be.
easier said than done. it is work. exercise. a practice. just as it was for you to learn and practice your craft.
maybe not so much a question of finding the strength so much as it is finding that elusive ‘peace’?
Comment by nick — June 2, 2010 @ 1:18 pm
Hey. Just wanted to say I really enjoy reading your blog, interesting subjects and awesome photos.
Comment by Monkey — June 3, 2010 @ 8:58 am
Curiously, no comments on this post. Like me, I guess folks just don’t know what to say. Although I’m sure, like me, they feel for you. Isn’t adult life all about reconciling or integrating these different selves? It’s great you’re facing, rather than burying, that challenge, as most do. Or worse, blaming someone or something else. I know you’re not looking for advice, but might I suggest meditation? Surely the best source of peace and strength I know. In my view, meditation and giving yourself to something larger than your self, are the best beginnings anyone can make. All the best!
John
Comment by John — June 3, 2010 @ 11:59 am
But maybe You are both. The paradox of you-?
And the one has pushed the other to all you have become-?
I took your workshop in 1991 Santa Fe. I had that young knowing of to what I was drawn then. Trusting it fully, or trusting I could make my life out of it, has only taken 20 years and still working the ‘how’ out – but oh well. Always the person, the within, that ‘study’ — As much as one can see/feel/find anyway – then reflect it back.
Thanks Rodney. Mary Grace
Comment by mary grace long — June 4, 2010 @ 11:58 pm
I read this post several days ago and wanted to comment but it felt intrusive to do so. I wasn’t sure what to say. But this post was calling to me, so here goes.
Be nice to yourself. You are the only person you spend your whole life with. Be good company for yourself, not such a critic. Read some Pema Chodron. She can give you a toolbox for self-improvement. I don’t mean being a better person, but being a more content person. I know it can be hard. But it is also well worth the work.
peace
Comment by peevish — June 8, 2010 @ 4:11 pm